Be back soon

It's weird. I leave in about an hour to go to the airport and fly to Honolulu. It's about a 10 hour flight, and we get in around 3:30 AM. Then I sit around the airport until around 9am and I take a little plane out to Kauai. From there a taxi to our hotel and I wait for my brother, sister in law, and two nephews Jack and Ridley to arrive!! I will be on diaper duty for a week. Soaking up the sun and the cooler temperatures. My hotel is across the street from starbucks, safeway, taco bell, and a million other American comforts. It's going to be crazy. Only an hour to go and my heart is pumping - boom, boom, boom. When you go to an Island, it's so isolating. It's all you know. We took a trip around the whole island once - it took about an hour. The food here is all from the philipines, and there is no dairy products that are worth eating for the price (except for cheap scoops of ice cream!). A small square of cheese here costs about $7-10. When you only get a stipend of about $250 a month that's a lot of money to spend on crappy cheese!

The people too. I have been surrounded by 22 of the same people every single day for five months. I interact with my kids, and the locals, but most of my time is spent hanging out with them. We go eat, watch movies, go swim in a waterfall, play UNO, monopoly, etc. My mind is about to be blown. People - different- people! I am trying to imagine the feeling in my stomach as my plane will lift off! My island. My home. I'm actually leaving it! I think this will be a little tiny taste of what it will be like when I leave for good, in May. I remember landing here in Pohnpei. Honestly, it felt like I was landing on a new planet. I was transformed into "pohnpei Kelsey" or as I should more accurately call her, "Pohnpei Kdub" (I am not called Kelsey here, David coined this weird nickname which I respond to more quickly than my own name). It's like

In a blink of an eye this amazing, wonderful, exciting trip will be over and I will be back here - attempting to tackle 20 more weeks of teaching, struggling, and quiet peacefulness in Paradise.

But now I'm just in heart-pounding- nervous stomach - anticipation!!! Thank you God for all of your blessings. I really don't know how to thank Him OR my parents :) How about a phone call when I land in Hawaii? fair trade? :)

warm breeze

If I could be anyone
these days I'd be someone different

-Winter, Noah Gundersen




Yuck. You know that song, I don't have the energy to figure out what song it is, but the one that says "all these things I do for You?" It goes something like that. That song is like a dream. Some unattainable feeling we want to have but just can't possible have. In all things I do for me. Everything I do I think of myself. A book I was reading recently talked about how one of the reasons he knew God must exist, is because people want to do good. They know something is wrong about this world, they feel it in their bones. I'm not supposed to be this selfish. I'm not supposed to think like this. Something's wrong.

I'm choleric. Or, sanguine. Well, I'm something (it's always changing). Whatever I am, I like recognition. I am a very confident person, extremely assertive and independent. In other words, the world often sees me as arrogant. Complimenting someone like me is weird, it feels like it's not necessary. A lot of times when I get complimented I don't know how to respond. I know how people see me, I don't want to respond with too much thankfulness - somehow this will increase the perception that I am arrogant. But I need it. I deeply long for the reassurance that what I do is important, and is valued. That all my efforts in life, especially in my friendships, are noticed. Moments when a friend tells me "you mean so much to me, how you always listen to me, ask me how I'm doing" I tuck them away in my heart. I know this is confusing. A big jumbled bunch of mess of messiness. But it's my mess.

Sometimes when I don't get this validation I get tired. Tired of being nice, doing good things for others, lifting others up. Why bother? They don't seem to notice, they don't seem to reciprocate. I just did the dishes. I just listened to my friend talk to me for an hour and she didn't even bother to ask me how my day went. What's the point? I feel like this all the time. So then I get bitter. Bitterness is like a slow cancer. (I've seen my grandma live most of her life with this disease, she died bitter. She had all of the right intentions, and most of the time she was right! But she was so bitter. Being right really isn't ever that important. Its almost never that important). So instead of feeling validated, feeling good about myself and getting joy from lifting others up - I set up camp inside myself. Judging others inside my bitter-tent. It's pretty lame in there. Instead of caring and encouraging a student to go to class, I just get annoyed. Start saying things to myself like, "they are so lazy. They'll never go anywhere, and they'll never become anything." (teachers aren't supposed to ever think that, whoops!)

I hate that. I hate when other people do that. Tiny things start irritating you so much when you're in this mode. Someone sitting in your chair, not picking up a tiny piece of trash, or just standing in your way. Little things pile up around your bitter tent. It gets harder and harder to get out. You can't see the sun, you can't truly enjoy others, and you can't even enjoy yourself.

It's so much better when you have a free heart. A heart that asks for nothing in return. Life is less stressful, and less bothersome, when you realize nothing can ever, ever, validate or reward you in this world. So stop trying. Stop seeking approval from a world that can't give it. Your friends, even if they love you, can never give you want you need. But God sees me. He sees me doing the dishes, smiling at the student that has been cutting class for days, endlessly listening with open ears to the friend who needs you. Working, struggling, trying to do good in my life, asking for nothing in return. Remember when you gave money to that person who needed it? Remember when you gave a gift, a card, a note, for absolutely no reason expecting nothing in return? I remember once I left flowers at the dorm for a friend who was going through a rough time. I vowed never to tell her. Hopefully she won't read this because that will defeat the whole purpose I'm trying to make! ;) I was giddy for days. I gave away joy for free.

Don't look for something that's not there. I've been looking for years to find something to make me feel better about myself. I was just looking in the wrong place. I still am, but I'm trying. Always trying. I don't want to be stone cold - I want to be a warm breeze.

I am the World?

Before I lived in community, I thought faith was something a person did alone

The most difficult lie I have ever contended with is this: Life is a story about me.

No rut in the mind is so deep as the one that says I am the world, the world belongs to me, all people are characters in my play. There is no addiction so powerful as self-addiction. We, as representatives of the grace and love of God, our communication should be seasoned with love and compassion.

(excerpts from Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller)

I came here as a student missionary. I kind of came with the idea that I was out on this big adventure. I am going to share God's love. I mean, I knew that a lot of this year wouldn't be me doing all the good work or whatever, but that I would change and some of that good work would be on me, and my heart.

But I kind of forgot about the other 20 people who would be right next to me. All setting out on their own journey. All going to spread God's love. Do His work. I didn't realize I was moving into a community. A small group of about 20 young adults, all from different parts of the states, all with completely different personalities that don't necessarily blend and twist together perfectly. Somehow over time I figured out that we were all dependent on each other. We got passed the introduction, honeymoon stage of being fascinated by all the different people, new stories, and new cliches. Then things started happening. Dramatic things. Things that only our group really knows about. Family problems at home, relationship problems at home, general discouragement about anything. The opinions and encouragement of others started not being fun, but a necessity to keep breathing, keep working. For a while I forgot that. I kept thinking that I was on this special journey - me, my students, God, my family. That's all true but it's about so much more than that! This story, this play, does not star me. I'm not the featured artist here. I'm not going to be the only one remembered. Everyone who has come to this island has left a little piece of themselves here. I'm just a tiny piece.

The moments when I feel most peaceful, content, and strong, occur when I forget about myself and give everything to something else. I don't really find any joy when I look inside myself. I find joy when I see someone else lifted up because of me.

That picture is at our thanksgiving feast. Our principle unexpectedly called me up to tell all the other teachers (including the locals) about the real story of the first thanksgiving. I felt completely self conscious. I'm pretty weird. I don't want to know what others see when the look at me, but I know it's confusing. I am a nerd, I get passionate about whatever I'm talking about - pleading with others to join me. "You have to love this movie as much as me!" "Please listen to my commentary on Roman Republic historical parallels!!" My attempts 99% of the time are met with glazed eyes. I'm okay with it (most of the time). So I was so scared to give all my friends a history lesson I know they'll probably be bored of.

Now I look back. HELLO! This has nothing to do with you!!!! Let the story and the message share itself. If only one person was fascinated, only one person got the significance, it doesn't matter. Live outside your fears. Live outside yourself.

In all things I want to be a vessel for God. For others. I think God likes me best when he sees me spreading joy, not desiring or seeking joy for myself.

I don't know if any of this made sense :)