warm breeze

If I could be anyone
these days I'd be someone different

-Winter, Noah Gundersen




Yuck. You know that song, I don't have the energy to figure out what song it is, but the one that says "all these things I do for You?" It goes something like that. That song is like a dream. Some unattainable feeling we want to have but just can't possible have. In all things I do for me. Everything I do I think of myself. A book I was reading recently talked about how one of the reasons he knew God must exist, is because people want to do good. They know something is wrong about this world, they feel it in their bones. I'm not supposed to be this selfish. I'm not supposed to think like this. Something's wrong.

I'm choleric. Or, sanguine. Well, I'm something (it's always changing). Whatever I am, I like recognition. I am a very confident person, extremely assertive and independent. In other words, the world often sees me as arrogant. Complimenting someone like me is weird, it feels like it's not necessary. A lot of times when I get complimented I don't know how to respond. I know how people see me, I don't want to respond with too much thankfulness - somehow this will increase the perception that I am arrogant. But I need it. I deeply long for the reassurance that what I do is important, and is valued. That all my efforts in life, especially in my friendships, are noticed. Moments when a friend tells me "you mean so much to me, how you always listen to me, ask me how I'm doing" I tuck them away in my heart. I know this is confusing. A big jumbled bunch of mess of messiness. But it's my mess.

Sometimes when I don't get this validation I get tired. Tired of being nice, doing good things for others, lifting others up. Why bother? They don't seem to notice, they don't seem to reciprocate. I just did the dishes. I just listened to my friend talk to me for an hour and she didn't even bother to ask me how my day went. What's the point? I feel like this all the time. So then I get bitter. Bitterness is like a slow cancer. (I've seen my grandma live most of her life with this disease, she died bitter. She had all of the right intentions, and most of the time she was right! But she was so bitter. Being right really isn't ever that important. Its almost never that important). So instead of feeling validated, feeling good about myself and getting joy from lifting others up - I set up camp inside myself. Judging others inside my bitter-tent. It's pretty lame in there. Instead of caring and encouraging a student to go to class, I just get annoyed. Start saying things to myself like, "they are so lazy. They'll never go anywhere, and they'll never become anything." (teachers aren't supposed to ever think that, whoops!)

I hate that. I hate when other people do that. Tiny things start irritating you so much when you're in this mode. Someone sitting in your chair, not picking up a tiny piece of trash, or just standing in your way. Little things pile up around your bitter tent. It gets harder and harder to get out. You can't see the sun, you can't truly enjoy others, and you can't even enjoy yourself.

It's so much better when you have a free heart. A heart that asks for nothing in return. Life is less stressful, and less bothersome, when you realize nothing can ever, ever, validate or reward you in this world. So stop trying. Stop seeking approval from a world that can't give it. Your friends, even if they love you, can never give you want you need. But God sees me. He sees me doing the dishes, smiling at the student that has been cutting class for days, endlessly listening with open ears to the friend who needs you. Working, struggling, trying to do good in my life, asking for nothing in return. Remember when you gave money to that person who needed it? Remember when you gave a gift, a card, a note, for absolutely no reason expecting nothing in return? I remember once I left flowers at the dorm for a friend who was going through a rough time. I vowed never to tell her. Hopefully she won't read this because that will defeat the whole purpose I'm trying to make! ;) I was giddy for days. I gave away joy for free.

Don't look for something that's not there. I've been looking for years to find something to make me feel better about myself. I was just looking in the wrong place. I still am, but I'm trying. Always trying. I don't want to be stone cold - I want to be a warm breeze.