I am the World?

Before I lived in community, I thought faith was something a person did alone

The most difficult lie I have ever contended with is this: Life is a story about me.

No rut in the mind is so deep as the one that says I am the world, the world belongs to me, all people are characters in my play. There is no addiction so powerful as self-addiction. We, as representatives of the grace and love of God, our communication should be seasoned with love and compassion.

(excerpts from Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller)

I came here as a student missionary. I kind of came with the idea that I was out on this big adventure. I am going to share God's love. I mean, I knew that a lot of this year wouldn't be me doing all the good work or whatever, but that I would change and some of that good work would be on me, and my heart.

But I kind of forgot about the other 20 people who would be right next to me. All setting out on their own journey. All going to spread God's love. Do His work. I didn't realize I was moving into a community. A small group of about 20 young adults, all from different parts of the states, all with completely different personalities that don't necessarily blend and twist together perfectly. Somehow over time I figured out that we were all dependent on each other. We got passed the introduction, honeymoon stage of being fascinated by all the different people, new stories, and new cliches. Then things started happening. Dramatic things. Things that only our group really knows about. Family problems at home, relationship problems at home, general discouragement about anything. The opinions and encouragement of others started not being fun, but a necessity to keep breathing, keep working. For a while I forgot that. I kept thinking that I was on this special journey - me, my students, God, my family. That's all true but it's about so much more than that! This story, this play, does not star me. I'm not the featured artist here. I'm not going to be the only one remembered. Everyone who has come to this island has left a little piece of themselves here. I'm just a tiny piece.

The moments when I feel most peaceful, content, and strong, occur when I forget about myself and give everything to something else. I don't really find any joy when I look inside myself. I find joy when I see someone else lifted up because of me.

That picture is at our thanksgiving feast. Our principle unexpectedly called me up to tell all the other teachers (including the locals) about the real story of the first thanksgiving. I felt completely self conscious. I'm pretty weird. I don't want to know what others see when the look at me, but I know it's confusing. I am a nerd, I get passionate about whatever I'm talking about - pleading with others to join me. "You have to love this movie as much as me!" "Please listen to my commentary on Roman Republic historical parallels!!" My attempts 99% of the time are met with glazed eyes. I'm okay with it (most of the time). So I was so scared to give all my friends a history lesson I know they'll probably be bored of.

Now I look back. HELLO! This has nothing to do with you!!!! Let the story and the message share itself. If only one person was fascinated, only one person got the significance, it doesn't matter. Live outside your fears. Live outside yourself.

In all things I want to be a vessel for God. For others. I think God likes me best when he sees me spreading joy, not desiring or seeking joy for myself.

I don't know if any of this made sense :)